is not always easy,
but i've made it my goal,
along with this unconditional love for all,
including myself,
thing.
so,
of course, there are challenges.
for instance,
i tend to be a bit of a
bi-polar type of guy.
i get really high sometimes,
which is wonderful,
and other times
i get really low,
which kinda sucks.
recently, i've been a bit low.
i have many good excuses.
i think most people would be depressed if they lost
their spouse and job on the same day,
and then, several months later,
felt compelled to move to another state,
away from their darling children and grandchildren.
so, i guess you could say i have every reason to be sad.
but enough already.
i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
i was reading this interesting book called
"train your mind, change your brain" by sharon begley
that told of the ability we humans have
to change our brains through meditation and positive attention
to the happenings in our life.
this, of course, elevated my mood
and i floated around for a few days in the knowledge that
i could stop being so damned depressed.
then another wave of sadness just hit me the other afternoon.
and i was like, oh, shit, here i am being depressed again.
i told myself to enjoy life.
then myself told my other self,
"you have every reason to be sad right now,"
as tears rolled down my cheeks.
then a different self (or was it one of the other two?)
suggested i just enjoy being sad.
now, i already know i'm a tad crazy,
so i didn't mind that i sat there laughing and crying
simultaneously.
and the more i laughed and cried
the more i laughed and cried.
it was quite enjoyable.
another example...
just for fun...
my daughter was telling me about a nightmare she'd had
and i advised her to be glad when she woke up,
because the nightmare wasn't real...
she tolerated my smug counsel,
but i was convinced this was the right approach.
easy for me to say,
since i hadn't had a nightmare in years.
then came the test.
(i don't know why i feel the need to test myself,
but i do it so often, i'm growing used to it.)
i'd been reading about about consciousness
(the head trip by jeff warren)
and it talked about lucid dreams,
you know, the ones wherein you realize you're dreaming
and can conjure things and whatnot,
and it had been a while since i'd had one,
so i was telling myself before i went to sleep
that i was going to have a nice lucid dream.
so, what do i have instead?
i don't remember most of the nightmare now,
but it was in a science lab of sorts
and involved a giant hypodermic needle
(thank you, Megamind [funny, funny movie, btw.].)
and an evil scientist who was going to inject me.
i was stuck in the bed
and he was coming.
all i could do was lay there
and shout "by day, by day, by day!"
don't ask me what this meant.
and then, "oooh, jesus! oooh, jesus! oooh, jesus!"
i, of course, woke myself up shouting.
darkness, dread, chills...
perfect time to implement my plan of enjoying the now.
i tried to laugh. it took a minute, but a tentative chuckle
did escape my lips and the foreboding
slowly
dissipated.
up to pee, back to sleep.
in the morning,
i was feeling a bit embarrassed
to think i probably woke up my neighbors and housemate
with my hypnopompic hollering.
but then felt a great satisfaction
at my unwitting revenge
on the snorer next door,
the stompers, screamers and sex bunnies upstairs
and my housemate who liked to chatter loud and long
on the phone late at night
and whose ex-wife often woke me in the morning
with her incredibly shrill
phone conversations with her mother, in spanish, no less.
why did she have to come over 3 days a week
and throw her keys on the coffee table, anyway?
they've been divorced for two years,
leave the guy alone, already.
since, i don't believe in revenge,
(unconditional love, remember)
it was quite humorous to me to have given them all
a little taste of their own medicine
while i was sound asleep at 3 am.
that made me enjoy the nightmare even more.
life is good, no?
another lesson learned.
