Thank You for the Anger, Too.

I mentioned in my last blog that, in my family, I was not allowed to be angry. My job was to shut up and take it. I could entertain with humor or song, but complaining about any abuse visited on me by my elder siblings (my god, there were five of them) was forbidden.

It's kind of frustrating when you have feelings you're not allowed to have. And, who doesn't have anger? I sure did, but completely covered by a cloak of denial. And I had a pile of guilt to go with the prohibited, yet obviously present emotion. It took about thirty-some years before I could even admit to myself that I even had anger, let alone a problem. I think ranting at my father for a good half-hour at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary let me see how bitter and resentful I was. Thankfully, I went to therapy, and was told that I had every right to be angry about things, it was my outrageous response that let people think I was crazy.

Now I know that I am normal, just lacking in the tools to help me deal with my rampant sensitivity. I remember talking to a counselor about changing my life. He suggested I live alone for a while, since I haven't done so since the three-month stint in my early twenties. I expressed that my kids like to hang out a lot and sometimes stay over, and if I was in a small place that wouldn't be possible. "And?" he asked.

"And I'd have guilt," I reasoned.

"And?" he asked again.

Oh, yeah, it's OK to have feelings (and what choice do I have? [more on that later]), and it's a good idea to learn to deal with them in a mature manner. And while guilt may be unpleasant, it won't kill me.

I've also learned to stop obsessing about things I'm angry, worried, or fantasizing about. I just found I could think about whatever I want. If I don't want to be angry with my sister for bothering my daughters with her incessant invitations to her "holy, holy, holy" church, I remember that she needs to control things and it's not personal, and, then, I think about something else, like, say, a recent party with my good friends or a future trip to San Diego, and, voila, I'm not angry, obsessing, or contemplating murder. And, in general, when I find myself experiencing distasteful emotions, I let myself feel them, and then ponder why I'm feeling that way. Usually, I figure it out fairly quickly. Perhaps, I was worried that I won't get a good job when my workplace closes, or whatever. But, once I'm aware of my state of mind, it's short work to right my thinking by remembering I'm connected to the power that runs this whole show, and, I can, therefore, relax.

I've read that if you still have anger, you still have things to learn. I don't think he means you can't have it, but that it doesn't serve anyone to act irrationally due to it. Well, we must have been given anger for a reason. Maybe, it's to spur us to change. If we reform our responses to the little things that happen everyday to detour us from our original objectives and the people who seem to be hindering us, and we might find that our whole attitude toward life changes, as well.

It's nice to know I'm allowed to have anger (whew, it was getting hot in here), and I can use it to renovate my life, instead of having it transform me into a raving lunatic. Aah.



Yours,

D



P.S. And I also found when I don't respond angrily, people don't respond back angrily, either.

P.P.S. Usually.

P.P.P.S. And if they do?

Thank You for the Anger

Really. Cuz, now I see what it looks like when I do it. Let's just say, if I'd been looking in the mirror the first time I exploded (good thing I can regenerate myself), it never would have happened again.

But, like Louise Hay says, "We were good children, we learned just what our parents taught us."

Imagine my shock one day, this would be a couple years back, I guess, a little while after I had decided to get therapy for my anger problem, when cleaning out my backpack, I found an article called, "Are You Angry?" Now, previously, I would have gotten all defensive with the paper that appeared from nowhere, as if the Universe was trying to tell me something. "Who you callin' 'angry', slim?" (It's funny. One day, about six or seven years ago, my wife came into the bedroom to inform me that, "God wanted her to tell me he couldn't use me until I dealt with my anger." I wouldn't talk to God for weeks after that. Why couldn't he tell me himself, why did he have to send the person in life I [how do I put this delicately?] despised most in the world at the time? I guess I learned to laugh at myself, and realized he had been trying to tell me, I just blah blah blah blah.) So, this time, I decided to read the pages and take them to heart. Shit, it nailed me to the wall.

It said people learn to use anger from their family members. Hmm. If Mom and Dad have constant contention and utilize epithets, etc, the children learn these coping skills. It also detailed that we often feel a sense of power when we're angry. And that we have an excuse for our anger, "They don't listen," or "I keep telling them," like we are entitled to our anger, because of someone else's continued "wrong behavior". Another thing it mentioned was that an angry reaction is counterproductive for more than one reason. It not only stops creative thinking needed for problem solving, but causes more dissension between parties involved, exacerbating the issue. Now, when I read my profile on that parchment, I was glad to see there was a resolution. (Do we all know the calming techniques, by now, of counting to ten, taking deep breaths, removing ourselves from the situation, or should I list them?) I think just having the awareness helped me see my pattern when my daughter called needing emergency baby-sitting while I was on my way to sing in a concert. She always does this! Why can't she get her shit together? myaa myaa myaa. Then, I sez to myself, Oh, I'm getting angry instead of trying to find someone to watch the baby. So, I went to relax, and meditate on a solution, and before I was even fully reclined, the person to call popped into my head. Nice.

Now, it seems like I'm trying to say there's a magic pill, and that's what if felt like to me. I was like, so I never had to be angry? (I mean, I was angry all the time. Every detour from what I thought must be God's plan, cuz it popped into my enlightened brain, caused me weeks of anger. Or every "wrongdoing" of another... and there are lots of others. Whew.) And may I share a recent realization? When other people try to incite my ire, it's because they're incensed about something in their own hot little head, and want to focus it on me (Thank you so much, angry t-shirt lady, for the lovely bouquet of your bile! It made me see how badly I must reek at times). And, it's tricky, cuz who wouldn't feel justified in being livid that someone was deliberately trying to provoke him? Wud I do?

And who started it anyway? I remember telling my mom it was like everyone was going around stomping on each other's toes for every minor infraction, and she said, "Well, some people need their toes stomped on." But when will the stomping end? Can't we all just be adults now and see that no one can live without inadvertently offending someone else? I love the following quote: It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood. ~Karl Popper, Unended Quest. So, wadaya say we all start trying to understand each other instead of trying to destroy all the misunderstood. There're so many. Aren't you exhausted? Let's all join hands (cuz to do that one must put down one's weapon) and return to the time before the conflict, lest the angry guys with the big guns decide the outcome for us all.

Well, I feel better!



Yours,

D


P.S. Peace has to start somewhere, right?

P.P.S. Now, think of a good joke, and laugh... it's all a ride!!! Enjoy it while you can. I know one: Two guys walk into a bar and fall down, the third guys sees it and ducks.