Wisdom

I think this is the key to the serenity prayer. If you know what you can change in your life and what you can't, it will save countless hours of frustration and worry.

For instance, any time at all spent wishing to change the past, is wasted effort. The past continues to remain unchangeable. Bummer.

I was talking to a friend about "living in the 'now'", which is moderately difficult, due to our perceiving life only after it has happened. "Now" is always here, but we never experience it. My motto is: there is no "now", there is only perception, intention and action. Now, this may not be the ultimate answer to the universally relevant conundrum, but, if you think about it, it covers a lot of bases.

But we were talking about the wisdom to know what we can and cannot change, and I submit that we can only change ourselves. We can change our perception of the past and change our intention for the future and change our actions to match our new intentions. Well, assuming there are patterns which occasion adjustment, or some such.

I think it's safe to say we all desire to have wisdom. I also think we have it, but just don't always listen to it. Sometimes, I get so caught up in the game, I forget I'm a player, and make "mistakes" due to an oversight or lack of foresight or just plain crazy balls to the wall who gives a flying fuck, let's do it. It's good when I remember not to take everything so seriously. A very wise man once said that it is all vanity. Don't worry so much about riches and fame or food and clothing. We're all becoming dust again soon enough, anyway. Now, if the, arguably, I'll concede, wisest man in the world says it, it might very well be true.

So, I cannot change the fact that I blew the chance to get that girl's number, but I can learn from it, change my intention and then my actions, and be snuggling in front of "Singing in the Rain", or whatever, in no time! Isn't wisdom fun?


Yours,


D


P.S. So, I can be serene all the time, even when I'm being courageous and changing the things wisdom says I can. Cool. "Gotta dance!"

Courage

...to change the things we can...

Courage isn't the lack of fear, but the determination to go through it. Who said that before me? What a genius.

All I know is, when I finally stood up to my arch nemesis, I was nervous as shit, but determined to change the intolerable situation. A friend from the twelve-step programs once told me, "You can't change another person, but you can change how they treat you by how you react and by letting them know what kind of behaviors are unacceptable." I don't know if she was that eloquent, but you get my drift. I can set boundaries and insist they be respected. Not for the squeamish.

Defending my territory from constant onslaught was tiring, so I decided to use the same tactics as my enemy. I innocently asked if I could do to her what she was doing to me and when she got appalled, I was like, but you're doing it... My heart was beating like a drum when I called her on her shit and, throughout the text battle, I thought I might pass out, but I had back-up, my daughter, whom my foe had begun attacking, also, and my arsenal of relaxation skills, and breathed my way to victory. Well, she's not bothered me or my children, since, so, so far so good.

And, can you believe I felt guilty? Don't worry, I got over it. But, all these feelings! fear, guilt, anger, shame, pride, joy, elation. They can keep us from doing a lot of things that we don't know are easy to do, until we do them. Like writing a blog, or asking that hot chick for a date, or quitting smoking. You name it. I just wonder how much different my life would be if I wasn't as afraid. So, I guess the thing to change is my outlook. Instead of thinking there are things to fear, I could exult that there are things to learn!

One thing, I have the courage to change my perspective. There are so many things happening around me which I can't control, change or even understand, sometimes, but I can always change me. or maybe it's, I can only change me. but I can. That's good to know.


Yours,


D


P.S. Hey, if the cowardly lion can get a medal, you can, too!

Serenity

I like the Serenity prayer. In case you aren't familiar, here it is:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's very simple and profound.

Lately, I've been concentrating on being serene, and so, of course, much drama has been presenting itself, so I can see just how serene I am not. I will say, that I am more peaceful, less stressed than I think I would have been in the past. Before, I would worry myself sick, now I just get a little nauseous.

But seriously, I've learned to have peace by being peaceful, so when the drama appears I can label it as such and step around it, or enjoy the play. Well, admittedly, I am a dramatic person. I don't shy from the limelight. And I don't like to be bored. But, sometimes, it's enough already. I want to be alone.

I'm glad I learned to go to the still place in my heart when I feel the need for quietude. It may only take a second, but it often takes me a while in the worry or fear or anger or hurt before I remember I have the power of peace available to me, anytime. All I ever have to do is close my eyes, take a few deep breaths and, soon, I'm calm. Yeehaw! It's so nice, I wonder why I like to spend any time at all being agitated.

Perhaps it's an old habit I'm finding the courage to change. (more on that next time!)


Yours,

D


P.S. Yeah, it's that simple.

Thank You for the Anger, Too.

I mentioned in my last blog that, in my family, I was not allowed to be angry. My job was to shut up and take it. I could entertain with humor or song, but complaining about any abuse visited on me by my elder siblings (my god, there were five of them) was forbidden.

It's kind of frustrating when you have feelings you're not allowed to have. And, who doesn't have anger? I sure did, but completely covered by a cloak of denial. And I had a pile of guilt to go with the prohibited, yet obviously present emotion. It took about thirty-some years before I could even admit to myself that I even had anger, let alone a problem. I think ranting at my father for a good half-hour at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary let me see how bitter and resentful I was. Thankfully, I went to therapy, and was told that I had every right to be angry about things, it was my outrageous response that let people think I was crazy.

Now I know that I am normal, just lacking in the tools to help me deal with my rampant sensitivity. I remember talking to a counselor about changing my life. He suggested I live alone for a while, since I haven't done so since the three-month stint in my early twenties. I expressed that my kids like to hang out a lot and sometimes stay over, and if I was in a small place that wouldn't be possible. "And?" he asked.

"And I'd have guilt," I reasoned.

"And?" he asked again.

Oh, yeah, it's OK to have feelings (and what choice do I have? [more on that later]), and it's a good idea to learn to deal with them in a mature manner. And while guilt may be unpleasant, it won't kill me.

I've also learned to stop obsessing about things I'm angry, worried, or fantasizing about. I just found I could think about whatever I want. If I don't want to be angry with my sister for bothering my daughters with her incessant invitations to her "holy, holy, holy" church, I remember that she needs to control things and it's not personal, and, then, I think about something else, like, say, a recent party with my good friends or a future trip to San Diego, and, voila, I'm not angry, obsessing, or contemplating murder. And, in general, when I find myself experiencing distasteful emotions, I let myself feel them, and then ponder why I'm feeling that way. Usually, I figure it out fairly quickly. Perhaps, I was worried that I won't get a good job when my workplace closes, or whatever. But, once I'm aware of my state of mind, it's short work to right my thinking by remembering I'm connected to the power that runs this whole show, and, I can, therefore, relax.

I've read that if you still have anger, you still have things to learn. I don't think he means you can't have it, but that it doesn't serve anyone to act irrationally due to it. Well, we must have been given anger for a reason. Maybe, it's to spur us to change. If we reform our responses to the little things that happen everyday to detour us from our original objectives and the people who seem to be hindering us, and we might find that our whole attitude toward life changes, as well.

It's nice to know I'm allowed to have anger (whew, it was getting hot in here), and I can use it to renovate my life, instead of having it transform me into a raving lunatic. Aah.



Yours,

D



P.S. And I also found when I don't respond angrily, people don't respond back angrily, either.

P.P.S. Usually.

P.P.P.S. And if they do?