Thank You for the Anger, Too.

I mentioned in my last blog that, in my family, I was not allowed to be angry. My job was to shut up and take it. I could entertain with humor or song, but complaining about any abuse visited on me by my elder siblings (my god, there were five of them) was forbidden.

It's kind of frustrating when you have feelings you're not allowed to have. And, who doesn't have anger? I sure did, but completely covered by a cloak of denial. And I had a pile of guilt to go with the prohibited, yet obviously present emotion. It took about thirty-some years before I could even admit to myself that I even had anger, let alone a problem. I think ranting at my father for a good half-hour at my parents' 50th wedding anniversary let me see how bitter and resentful I was. Thankfully, I went to therapy, and was told that I had every right to be angry about things, it was my outrageous response that let people think I was crazy.

Now I know that I am normal, just lacking in the tools to help me deal with my rampant sensitivity. I remember talking to a counselor about changing my life. He suggested I live alone for a while, since I haven't done so since the three-month stint in my early twenties. I expressed that my kids like to hang out a lot and sometimes stay over, and if I was in a small place that wouldn't be possible. "And?" he asked.

"And I'd have guilt," I reasoned.

"And?" he asked again.

Oh, yeah, it's OK to have feelings (and what choice do I have? [more on that later]), and it's a good idea to learn to deal with them in a mature manner. And while guilt may be unpleasant, it won't kill me.

I've also learned to stop obsessing about things I'm angry, worried, or fantasizing about. I just found I could think about whatever I want. If I don't want to be angry with my sister for bothering my daughters with her incessant invitations to her "holy, holy, holy" church, I remember that she needs to control things and it's not personal, and, then, I think about something else, like, say, a recent party with my good friends or a future trip to San Diego, and, voila, I'm not angry, obsessing, or contemplating murder. And, in general, when I find myself experiencing distasteful emotions, I let myself feel them, and then ponder why I'm feeling that way. Usually, I figure it out fairly quickly. Perhaps, I was worried that I won't get a good job when my workplace closes, or whatever. But, once I'm aware of my state of mind, it's short work to right my thinking by remembering I'm connected to the power that runs this whole show, and, I can, therefore, relax.

I've read that if you still have anger, you still have things to learn. I don't think he means you can't have it, but that it doesn't serve anyone to act irrationally due to it. Well, we must have been given anger for a reason. Maybe, it's to spur us to change. If we reform our responses to the little things that happen everyday to detour us from our original objectives and the people who seem to be hindering us, and we might find that our whole attitude toward life changes, as well.

It's nice to know I'm allowed to have anger (whew, it was getting hot in here), and I can use it to renovate my life, instead of having it transform me into a raving lunatic. Aah.



Yours,

D



P.S. And I also found when I don't respond angrily, people don't respond back angrily, either.

P.P.S. Usually.

P.P.P.S. And if they do?